gaping hole remains in my heart. Son Justin and I were at the cemetery during Memorial Day weekend to honor Jim and the life he lived for his country, his friends, and our family. With the Memorial Day weekend behind us, I thought it would be a good time to tell you about a book written by a dear friend--a book to help grieving friends.With the loss of my parents, a daughter, and my husband, I’ve learned that death makes the people around us uncomfortable. I would even guess there are some blog readers who won't want to read this post. Why? Because our society doesn't want to read or talk or speak of death—it creates discomfort. But PLEASE don’t quit reading. Even though we want to help grieving spouses, children, parents, and friends, the topic of what to do and the best way to help aren’t topics we discuss until someone close to us passes away and we’re struck by the notion that we don’t know what to do—what will help that grieving friend in need.
Fellow author and friend, Stephanie Whitson has written a wonderful book titled How to Help a Grieving Friend. Stephanie lost her best friend to cancer three days after her own husband was diagnosed with an incurable form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (he subsequently died in 2001). Later that same year, her mother and father died within six weeks of each other. This book is a result of her own grief journey—the experiences of losing those she loved. It isn’t a book of ‘how-to’s’ for those who are grieving. Rather, it is a book of ‘how-to’s’ for those who truly want to be there for the friend who has suffered a loss.
While no one sets out to heap additional pain upon those who are grieving, many are insensitive to the fact that their behavior can create deeper wounds. You may see yourself between the pages of this book. If so, know that we can learn to do better in the future by using the solutions provided in this book. Each of the short twenty-five chapters is divided into two sections: “How it Feels” and “How to Help.” I’m going to quote a few of the “How to Help” notes from Stephanie’s book:“Offer to do Things: I’m drowning in to-do lists I don’t have the energy for. Help me figure out my taxes. Take my daughter to shop for school clothes. Prune the roses. Mow the lawn. Clean the refrigerator. Repair the broken window.
Be Specific: “Call me anytime” has no meaning. “I can run errands for you from 10:00 a.m. to noon on Saturday, means you mean it.”
Accept No for an Answer: It’s exhausting pretending to be happy in a group so I don’t depress everyone around me. If I say no, it doesn’t mean I don’t want your friendship. It just means I’m too tired to hang out right now.”
Accept My New Quirks: If I’m reluctant, don’t push it. Grief changes people—permanently. I may never be ‘my old self’ again. But I just might be a better self if you’ll give me some time.
Don’t Apologize for Not Knowing What to Say: Chances are, there isn’t anything you can say that will really help. Your hand on my shoulder, your hug, and your presence mean a lot.”
If you’ve ever struggled with how to help a grieving friend, I suggest you purchase a copy of Stephanie’s book—and perhaps an extra copy to give to your minister, a hospital chaplain or the local hospice center in your community. The book is available from your favorite local or online bookseller or you can contact Stephanie at http://www.stephaniewhitson.com/.
May you find joy as you touch the heart of a friend. ~ Judy
P.S. This is my final blog for several weeks. Carol Cox is going to fill in for me over the next several weeks. I know you’ll enjoy her posts and I hope you’ll make her feel welcome with your comments.
Dear Judy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this much needed post. Having walked a very similar journey as yours, I can certainly identify a lot of what you were saying. The book is an excellent thing, I will look for it.
Will miss you for the next several weeks, but will welcome Carol.
Take care...you are loved
Veronica
In previous times, we (as parts of varying societies) used to wear dark clothing or armbands to denote that we were in mourning. That we were grieving the loss of a loved one. And there was wisdom in that. It gave someone warning… "I've just been through one of the most gut-wrenching times of my life. Tread carefully, friend, for I'm wounded and bleeding inside, and am liable to not be at my best right now. Please, give leeway here."
ReplyDeleteLife goes on after a loss, we all realize, but I remember the moment, after mom died, that I realized I would never be the same person inside again. I would never look at the world in the same way.
And Judy, precious friend, you've lost a daughter, a mother and your sweet husband. Each loss must carve out a different kind of pain. I'm praying that God will fill you up with renewed joy and hope for this life, even as the promise of our next life no doubt becomes sweeter and holds a deeper longing than ever before. Love you, friend, and am so grateful our eternity together started here.
P.S. Veronica, praying for you too, lady.
Thank you Tammy,
ReplyDeleteAnd you are right, when you lose a loved one, you are never the same. And my journey for the past few years has been (with the Lord's gracious help) to get to know that "new" me. At times it is suprising (I have more strength that I thought) and at times it is painful (stretching, stretching me for my good.) But through it all I can look back and see that the Lord NEVER let me walk alone, He was and is always there, whispering (and sometimes shouting) "I LOVE YOU and you can make it".
This is my prayer for you dear Judy...that through your journey you will get to know the "new" you; that you will grow stronger each day and that God's purpose for your life will become clearer and clearer with each step. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Praying for and upholding you to our Lord who feels everything that we do and who loves you with an everlasting love,
Veronica
SO well said, Veronica. You have such joy about you, lady. So does Judy, even in the midst of the hurting and loneliness. You may not often be aware of it yourselves, but we see it and are glad we're walking this road together.
ReplyDeleteDear Veronica,
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you sweet friend. Knowing you had traveled this same road, I thought of you while I was writing this post. It is Stephanie's hope (and mine) that the book will answer that question of "What can I do?"
Hi Tammy,
You know, I used to think the custom of wearing black was a bad idea because it didn't let the grieving person move forward with life. However, I now believe it has merit for the very reason you mentioned. It puts others on alert to the fact that they are dealing with a grieving heart.
Thank you for your ongoing prayers and words of encouragement, dear friend. And I'm glad our eternity started here, too!!
Judy, I love what you had to say here. I plan to definitely buy Steph's book. It is so hard to know what is useful and what isn't. You want to love on folks, but so often you feel at a loss as to what is helpful and what is interference. I love the "no means no." I think over the years we've been trained to say no and then cajoled into saying yes as some sort of proof that we "really, really care." Thanks for posting this. You and yours continue to be in my prayers for comfort and peace. Anna - you and your nephew's family are also in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteTrace
Dear Judy, Thank you so much for sharing this post today, sweet lady. I've kept you in my prayers this past year and will continue. I will definitely plan on getting Stephanie's book, and I feel certain her words have helped many folks to help others. I know that so often well-meaning people really do want to help others, but they just don't know what to do (or say). ~ We will miss your wise and witty blogs the next few weeks, but we'll welcome sweet Carol with open arms. ~ Sending hugs and love, Patti Jo (Psalm 61:2)
ReplyDeleteP.S. @Veronica, I keep you in my prayers too, precious lady, and am sending a hug your way.
@Tammy, I can certainly relate to your words about how you felt after your Mom died...after I lost my precious Parents (1 1/2 years apart) I knew I'd never be the same--but with the Lord's help, I am striving to be a better, stronger person (not always successful, but trying)...Hugs to you, too...
Dear Judy,
ReplyDeleteHow I wish I had read the book by Stephanie. I am sure it would have helped me enormously to accept my Dad's passing (it has now been twelve years and we still miss him so much!
Also my best friend Terri. I still struggle with that, especially when her court case has recently been resumed. I pray that justice will be done and her perpetrator will be dealt with in such a way, it will atone for Terri's tragic loss of life for her family and friends!
I thank God she is now safe in His arms!
Thinking of you and praying for you dearest Judy!
Love
Rosie
PS Will miss your posts very much Judy, but it will be nice to welcome Carol back, during your absence.:)
Judy, than you for posting this. We all need reminders of being attentive to those around us who may be hurting for one reason or another. I am very mindful of this time of year for you. I've been thinking about you and praying for comfort that only He can give.
ReplyDeletePeople sometimes do things that hurt the grieving without meaning to do so. Sometimes, I think it's because they think they "know" what you need, sometimes its because they don't know what to do, and other times I think it's because they think you should be getting "over it." (As if was a cold.)
I don't think people realize how much energy healing the heart and soul can take. Just having to face another day can be overwhelming.
I love the thought of putting actions behind your expressions of sympathy. It's one thing to say, "Call if you need anything." But it's another to say, "Let me do that for you."
I hope your next few weeks are full of blessings. You are such a blessing to me!
Judith, what a wonderful and much-needed post. An unfortunate side-effect is that more of my friends and family are dying. We need to handle this issue sensitively and compassionately, and your post--and I'm sure Stephanie's book--are great places to start.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cindy @Cindy's Book Club
Oops...I meant to say "an unfortunate side effect of me getting older..."
ReplyDeleteYou have been in my prayers, Judy. Will miss you; hope you enjoy your time away. I need to catch up on reading your books!
ReplyDeleteThis memorial day when I visited my Bob's grave, I shed tears. He's been in heaven for ten years, and I'm happily remarried ... but I still grieve. I've decided that those tears validate the fact that this earth is a permanently different place because Robert Whitson lived. That's a wonderful thing. His life matters. God's peace to all the hurting hearts represented here today.
ReplyDeleteThanks to all of you for your kind comments, your prayers and your love. ~Judy
ReplyDeleteJudy,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for posting this blog and I'll be looking into getting Stephanie's book as well.
I know I've been guilty of "trying to say or do the right thing" and failed miserably, I'm sure.
You are such a precious, precious friend to me and I will continue to pray for you.
I love you.
Susie
Thank you Tracy for saying prayers for my family.
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard trial after our nephew died. The life will never be the same again. I have fears. What if I die, and my children will be left here without me? How will they survive? What if another death will take another family member?
My six year old is afraid as well. I have been telling him that he's never alone. Bue he understands death and cried over our nephew. Also, he cried because he was afraid that I might die as well.
Everybody is dealing with death differently. What might sound good to one person can cause an offense to another.
I have bought the book.
Thank you,
Anna
I'll keep reading. :o) I liked this post and will share it, too. And yes, I don't know what to say. I've experienced different grief, but not of death, but death doesn't make me uncomfortable. Oddly enough, tears do.
ReplyDelete